The Journey of Depression

Definitely a lonely one. Even when everyone around you tells you that they're there to support you, you can't seem to say a single word to them about how you feel or what's on your mind. One second you'd be scolding people in your head, and the next second you'd be telling yourself they'd done nothing wrong. One second you'd be hating everyone around you, and another second you'd feel bad for feeling that way. You'd be feeling bad for people who continue to love or care for you even when you're in this state. You'd be hating yourself so much at this point. 

It's a bunch of emotions that slap you in the face, and you don't know what to feel anymore. The process is long enough that, at the end of the day, you have no idea what you're depressed about anymore. You'd be wanting attention or just a simple "how are you doing?" but at the same time, you didn't want to bother anyone else with your own issues because no matter how you explained it, no one would understand. Every morning, the moment you open your eyes, that feeling hits you again, and it takes a whole lot of energy to get out of bed. Throughout the day, especially when you're on the road, you'll be imagining crashing yourself. And at night, you wish you never woke up the next day. Every night, alcohol will be your only best friend to numb your feelings and put you to sleep. 

Looking at people who care about you, you'd be telling yourself that you want to get better, that you want to get out of this, and maybe positive thoughts would slowly resurface at this stage. The next morning, you woke up with the same mindset and emotions, sucking in the tears while driving to work, staying in the car for awhile, and self-motivating that everything's going to be okay and that you can power through the day before getting out of the car and starting the day. Once in a while throughout the day, you'd tear up for no reason, run to the toilet or into the car, wipe away the tears, and continue the day. 

You'd then get to the stage where you started talking to people and getting positive energy from them. You'd be feeling great and thinking that tomorrow would get better. You'd be texting your loved ones and telling them how much you love them and apologizing for being a pain in the ass to them. The next day came, and nothing had changed. You'd be hating yourself for not being able to get better for the people around you, even if it's not for yourself. At this point, you'd ask yourself, what's the point of living when you're only bringing pain to people around you? But to a certain extent, you still care. 

The episodes keep coming back. But I'll get better. For the sake of others.